I can't sleep, I wanted to go to sleep at ten but it didn't work out :P hehehe.
I googled my name and surprisingly a post on my own blog came up in the search, it was a thank you letter to my current ex (who at the time wasn't my boyfriend yet). He's been on my mind a lot and it's funny how things come up randomly when you think about them a lot (i.e. the old post when googling my own name for fun). I feel pretty lost at the moment... not in the same old sense as when I was a depressive goth person (Glod forbid that I walk those footsteps again) but in a genuinely "trying-to-sort-my-shit-out" kind of way. My efforts to be a good person in order to be happy seem ever fruitless, I have a great life so don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for everything I have and everyday I realise new things to be grateful for, but I rarely I feel happy. I feel like it's this little worm crawling inside and it just keeps picking at me. Of course being the person I am I talk about what is on my mind (my friends will recognise this and are currently nodding as they read this) but here in-lies the problem! I talk about feeling bad and my little insecurities RELENTLESSLY!!!! much to my friends dismay because as we all know one can only take so much whining before wanting to take a bullet to ones head.

I've been having the strangest dreams recently, the other night I dreamt that I had been fighting with some drama teacher (nameless, faceless) and during the fight I crawled up about two stories of chairs.... so about 30 meters in the air. there I sat down on the top of the chairs where a current flat-mate came up to me and sat down on another line of chairs.... those chairs fell and he crashed down with all the chairs and I just made it to safety.... the morning after at breakfast I told him about the dream but I said that I had caught him at the last moment, I guess the only thing freakier than dreaming your own death is when somebody else dreams it.

I don't know what my ex feels about all of this and I don't understand him at all anymore, I don't know what I meant to him anymore. What was I to him. I know he loved me very much but other than that I'm lost. I hope he is happy, he really deserves to be happy.

I dreamt a bee, a huge centipede-looking bee with a huuuuge stinger flying around me, where it stung me it laid worms into my skin and I had to pick them out with tweezers, some of them broke and I had to dig the tweezers into my flesh to fish out the rest of their worm-bodies. They reminded me of this video I saw on youtube once, this is it if you feel like watching.

I have a hard time focusing, every time I sit down to read, chant or even write this my mind wanders. I start thinking about all these random things like... I don't really know... purple kittens or something. It's infuriating! I might be trying to read a play for school and because I can't possibly focus on the text and what it's saying that reading might take 10 hours. I might try to chant for better focus or courage to take on my weaknesses but instead I waste 90% of that chant to think about what film I want to watch this evening or wether or not this or that classmate actually likes me.

I'm really happy with my new room, it's quite homely, it's got pictures of friends, drawings by my little niece (she's just the awesomest little girl in the world! and way too much like her uncle (me) and mum), teddy-bears and a big poster of the Joker from batman "the dark knight".

The whole reason for this blog is to rant about anything and everything bugging me so I wont have to talk somebody's ears off, if people feel like reading this they can and if not they can stop at any point and just go about their busyness and no-one would be the wiser about it.

Disfunction
Hope/Hopelessness
New beginnings
Sweat
Nerves
Blisters
Kisses-lack of
Hugs-lack of
Belonging-lack of
Grounding-lack of
Future
The dreaded ugly
The hidden land-mines
The not-so-hidden land-mines
Mock Turtle soup
The beep-beep of Nokia

I have a understanding deficiency, I don't seem to be able to understand people, friends and foe alike. Everyone seems nice enough at face value but underneath there's always something brewing. I wish I could read minds, I think that knowing what people think of me (positive or negative) would be a lot better than guessing, seeing that I'm a pessimist by nature the outcome of said guessing would never be very productive.

Funny about the plastics, they are so nice! every single one of them is very nice if you get them one-on-one but as soon as another of their species arrives they turn into something else... something bitchy and "better-than-thou". I don't see the point in it really, they don't even like each other, they bitch about a missing member from the pack as soon as s/he is absent... it doesn't seem to be a very loving friendship. Then again maybe they like the feeling of belonging to a pack, I feel like a lone wolf sometimes :P hehe in the not-depressed kind of way. I have friends and I have acquaintances but rarely do I find a person of like mind or humor as I am, I think I might be a mental blonde.

I know there's more I want to talk about and there's definitely more positive things I could talk about.... but people actually want to hear one talk about those things!

~Spookyo_O textualized